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What
if they ran for governor?
By: Marcial
Robiou
Ok,
so by now everyone knows the political situation in California. For
those of you who don't, we'll break it down for you in layman's terms:
Their previous governor, Gray Davis, had been doing a worse job in
office than a hooker would do in a nunnery. So they called for a special
election to recall the governor, which took place on October 7th.
There were approximately
135 candidates, with the obvious like Democratic Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante
and Senator Tom McClintock, to the ridiculous, like Gary Coleman and
Larry Flynt. (Flynt's slogan? The smut-peddler that cares.)
The most famous, of course, was Ah-nuld himself, but everyone who's
anyone was running for the position.
The California gubernatorial
recall shines light on Florida's political arena. Even though Florida's
gubernatorial election is three years from now, damn near everyone
has something bad to say about the Bush administration. So if voters
are not satisfied, why don't we have a recall? Just imagine what
kind of candidates Florida would attract…
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Why
he should run: There's no should
about this, but the man desperately needs work.
Qualifications:
He made some of the most patriotic movies and made stuff go ka-blammo
as John Rambo, and he single-handedly pimped Mother Russia when he
made Ivan Drago swallow his teeth in a battle royale on Christmas
Day. If that's not enough, he's Ray freakin Tango!
Running
Mate: Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers
Slogan:
"We're gonna make Florida eat lightning and crap thunder!"
 WAYNE
HUIZENGA
Why
he would lose: Remember what happened
after the Marlins won the Series? Nothing…
Qualifications:
He shelled out big bucks and managed to get the Marlins a trophy.
THE. MARLINS. Not only that, he also owned the Dolphins, Heat and
Panthers, so if anyone should run a disappointing state, why not a
man who owned disappointing franchises?
Running
Mate: Satan
Slogan:
"I'm worth more than Cuba."
GLORIA ESTEFAN
Running
Mate: Emilio Estefan
Qualifications:
She has an ass-load of Grammy's (not just the worthless Latin
ones), and came back from an almost career-ending bus accident that
left her paralyzed. As part of the Miami Sound Machine, she was belting
tunes and making radios play Spanish-flavored music while Ricky and
Enrique were still in diapers.
Why she
could win: Every other candidate could kiss the Hispanic population
goodbye; they're all hers.
Political
stance: Open the border even more and let everyone from Cuba
in. Wait, doesn't that happen now?
Why she
won't win: Florida isn't just made up of Miami. North and
Central Florida will slap her down.
 DAN
MARINO
Running
Mate: Don Shula
Qualifications:
He is arguably the best quarterback with the most passing yards, touchdowns
and a slew of other records except for, oh yeah, A FRIGGIN' CHAMPIONSHIP
RING.
Political
stance: To raise money for medicine to reverse the aging process,
so he could play football again and finally win.
Slogan:
"I need a ring."
 TERRY
BOLLEA
Qualifications:
As Hulk Hogan, he put the WWF on the map, and made the world go crazy
with 'Hulk-mania' fever.
Running
Mate: Randy Savage (Ooooooh, yyyyyeeeeaaaaaahhhh!)
Why he
should run: For Christ's sake, if Jesse Ventura could do it,
he could. Unless all the 'roids he took killed all of his brain cells.
Slogan:
"I am a real American!"
 PHILIP
MICHAEL THOMAS
Running
Mate: Don Johnson
Political
stance: The war on drugs
Qualifications:
As Detective Rico Tubbs on Miami Vice, he busted drug dealers
and pimps in the seedy underworld of Miami while he rocked loafers
without socks.
Why he
would run: Seen him on any TV shows or movies since 1989?
He's in need of work.
Why he
would lose: Philip, who?
And
the winner of the Florida gubernatorial recall is…it's a tie!
Amazingly, no one turned out to vote, and Jeb Bush wins by default!
Of course, this was all a joke, but if we had candidates like these,
then you could bet your right foot that even young people for once
would be interested in the race.
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